Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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