If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
