1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
