i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
