K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
