I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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