i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
