now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
