if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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