I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize