I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
