So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
