whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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