Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
