May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
