If that was your dad, he is hot
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize