I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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