i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
