I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize