Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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