I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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