even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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