I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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