um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
whose ass print is on the piano?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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