69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
