Having a random hookup so left but love u
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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