I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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