Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Pooping to opera.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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