Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
