yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
