they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
