The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
