He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
