chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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