I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Just invented taco cereal.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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