I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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