Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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