You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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