why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
