Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
