Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
