I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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