dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
