i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
