All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
