whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
