And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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