she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
