You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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