I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
