ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
