I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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