i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just cropdusted the office
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Randomize
