Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize