I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
