I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
