you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
