i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
