Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
