I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Found the puke drawer
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I need to align my fucking chakras
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
