i just wanna soil my oats bro
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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