You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
