Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
