i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
