Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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