I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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