thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
