You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
