I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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